Staying Connected with Your Adult Children
I was delighted by the response to last week’s newsletter about Parenting Adult Children, and the knowledge you would be interested in further thoughts.
I think those of us with adult children are aware of the lack of resources discussing the topic. The parenting section of bookstores usually focuses on children whose ages are in the single digits. Some on the teenaged years, but once adulthood comes, it’s almost as if there’s no thought of us being parents anymore, as if the role has been complete. Far from it. We’re still parents, and yet the dynamics of our relationships have changed. While our children may no longer need us in the ways they did when they were young, maintaining a close and supportive relationship remains important for the parent and the adult child. Their needs aren’t necessarily for survival; they’re for connection, and for a sense of a secure base to return to. How do do we maintain a strong connection and allow the change in dynamic?
1. Embrace the Shift in Communication
Our language with our children evolves, from baby talk all the way into political discussions, and the forms of our communication have most definitely changed as well. In the digital age, our ways of staying in touch have expanded beyond face-to-face conversations. Embracing these new forms of communication—whether it’s a quick text, a video call, or even sharing a funny meme—can help bridge the gap that distance or busy schedules might create. It’s not about the length of the conversation but the consistency and thoughtfulness of your interactions.
At the same time, you can embrace the role of being able to learn from your children. They have rich and multifaceted lives now, and surely they’ve learned many things that you might not have access to. Here’s your chance to ask them. Be interested in all aspects of their world, virtual and in person How do they communicate with their children? How do they communicate with their partners, their friends. The position you once had as a teacher and educator for your children can now loosen, and you can begin to view your adult children as peers.
2. Respect Their Space
As much as we want to be a constant presence in our children’s lives, we must respect their autonomy. Avoid the temptation to call or visit too frequently without considering their schedules. The world is busier, no? While we might have more free time on our hands, the relationship our adult children have with their work lives and social lives are very different than what we grew up with. Let them initiate contact from time to time shows that you trust them to manage their lives while keeping you involved in the ways that matter most to them.
3. Be an Active Listener
This ties into the first point a bit more, and so I’d like to suggest that when your adult child comes to you with a problem or just wants to chat, try to listen more than you speak. Resist the urge to offer advice unless it’s asked for, and even if it’s asked for, make sure that you’ve heard what they said before you offer your own input. Sometimes, they just need a sounding board, no matter how good your advice may be. Listening without judgment helps reinforce that your relationship is a safe space where they can be open and honest without fear of criticism, and also shows them that you respect them as adults.
On a similar note, one of the most challenging aspects of parenting adults is accepting their decisions, especially when they differ from what you might choose, and how you have been raised. Whether it’s career choices, relationships, parenting choices (especially parenting choices!) or lifestyle changes, offering unconditional support—even when you have reservations—shows that your love is unwavering and you respect your relationship with them. Trust that the values you’ve instilled will guide them, and be there to support them through the outcomes, whatever they may be.
4. Share Your Own Life
While it’s easy to focus on your children’s lives, sharing what’s going on in your world is equally important. Talk about your own experiences, hobbies, or challenges. Your life has changed as well from what it was like when you parented children to where you are now. How has your world changed? How has your relationship with your community changed, your relationship with health? This not only humanises you but also reinforces the idea that relationships are a two-way street, built on mutual sharing and understanding.
5. Plan Quality Time Together
In our busy lives, making time for each other can be challenging, but it’s worth the effort. Whether it’s a regular Sunday lunch, a weekend away, or simply an afternoon walk, planning intentional time together can strengthen your bond. Having something scheduled ensures that these times are honoured, while planning for the next meet-up each time might result in some missed appointments. These shared moments help create new memories and reinforce the connection that you’ve built over the years. But don’t be pushy on this, also give them space...
6. Keep the Door Open
Finally, let your children know that you’re always there for them, no matter what. Life can be unpredictable, and circumstances may change— what remains constant is your love and support. Remind them that your door is always open, whether they need advice, a chat, or just some comforting company.
Maintaining a strong relationship with your adult children is a continuous process of adjustment and understanding. It requires flexibility, patience, and a willingness to evolve alongside them. But the reward—a lifelong, loving relationship—is more than worth the effort.
Wishing you all the best in nurturing these precious relationships, let me know your views and thank you again for your interest in this topic.
Love,
Julia x
So helpful to read this Julia, thank you - it felt very affirming in helping me to realise that, imperfectly as I might do it, I do actually do most of the things that you suggest here, particularly with my daughter who I am lucky to have living near by. Together with your Monday tips this morning I feel as though I have been resourced up. I’m also upping my recognition that feelings of abandonment and rejection that I can feel in relation to my children are sign posts to my own inner child feelings which help me to become a more attentive parent to myself. Warmth and gratitude to you x
Thanks so much for that Julia. It’s an article I’ll read several times, so helpful.