Building on today’s theme from the Monday Top Tips, I’d like to offer some additional reflections on parenting adult children, which can often feel like navigating a delicate dance of connection and autonomy.
The Evolving Role of Parenting
As our children grow into adulthood, the nature of our role as parents inevitably changes. While we may have once been the central figures in their lives, guiding and nurturing their every step, the transition to adulthood requires us to shift from being the directors of their lives to supporters of their journey. This can be challenging because our instinct to protect and provide doesn’t simply disappear when our children reach a certain age. There’s no clear signal for us, no definitive amount of candles blown out on a birthday cake, that lets us know it’s time for our roles as parents to change. However, it’s crucial to recognise that adult children need space to develop their own identities, make mistakes, and carve out their own paths.
Letting Go of Control
One of the hardest parts of parenting adult children is learning to let go of the need to control. This doesn’t mean abandoning them or disengaging from their lives, but rather shifting from a position of authority to one of support and partnership. This is especially challenging if we view our need to control as synonymous with support, as it was in the earlier stages of our children’s lives. One way to think of this is to avoid offering unsolicited advice. While we may believe we know what’s best for our children, when they become adults, our advice - though coming from a place of care - can often come without a full understanding of the situations our adult children are going through. They are navigating their own complexities and uncertainties, and they benefit greatly from knowing that they have parents who trust them to make decisions, even if those decisions are different from what we might choose for them.
The Power of Listening
In this new phase of parenting, listening is just as important as ever. Our children need to feel heard and respected as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. This requires us to practice active listening—giving them our full attention without judgment or the immediate impulse to offer advice. Ask questions from a place of curiosity, rather than from a position of trying to guide them towards the path we think is best for them. When we truly listen, we foster a deeper connection and create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves.
Embracing Change Together
Change is an inevitable part of life, and as our children grow, we grow too. Embracing this change together can strengthen our relationships. It’s a process of mutual adaptation, where both parents and children learn to navigate the shifting dynamics of their relationship. It can be helpful to have open conversations about how these changes feel, acknowledging that it’s a learning curve for everyone involved. It’s ok if we don’t have all of the answers for these changes, and to share this with our children.
Self-Reflection and Growth
Parenting adult children also invites us to reflect on our own growth. How have we changed since our children were young? How has parenting changed? How have the use of language and the forms of communication evolved over the years? How do we want to show up in this new chapter of their lives? This can be a time of profound personal development as we explore new ways to support our children while also nurturing our own independence and fulfilment.
Building a Collaborative Relationship
Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship that is collaborative and respectful, non-hierarchical and equal, where both parties feel valued and understood. This involves recognising the shared power dynamics in the relationship and finding ways to navigate them that honour each person’s autonomy and contribution.
I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your experiences as a parent of adult children or as an adult child yourself. How have these transitions felt for you? What have you learned about yourself in the process? Sharing these insights with others can help us all feel more connected and supported on this journey.
Love,
Julia x
There was a tremendous response to this on the Instagram page.it seems to be a much needed area for debate and writing.
At my stage in the game as a grandmother,there is still much to be learnt.Life long learning is the best way.
I’m a little daunted by the prospect of continuing to develop my relationship with my adult daughters. I wanted for so long, that they would find their feet and fly. Each piece of parental assistance, their dad and I provided; I had treated like a ticket to their success as independent adults.
The reality was, we vastly overstretched our resources, cars, holidays, deposits for houses, milestones birthday parties , lavishly reflecting our joy at how mature they’d become. Only, to remain, in the same spot, mummy, daddy and two kids on and on and on, no end in sight.
No life partners found, nor sought by either daughter. I was disappointed and confused.
They’re clever, well qualified and beautiful women but the impetus to fly, wtf was that?
My go to response, obviously, to blame myself and to blame, their Dad, a little more even.
I’ll try to explore the mystery a little more. Now they have at long, f***ng last moved to their own perfect little house, taking (my) their perfect fur baby with them 🥲