So helpful to read this Julia, thank you - it felt very affirming in helping me to realise that, imperfectly as I might do it, I do actually do most of the things that you suggest here, particularly with my daughter who I am lucky to have living near by. Together with your Monday tips this morning I feel as though I have been resourced up. I’m also upping my recognition that feelings of abandonment and rejection that I can feel in relation to my children are sign posts to my own inner child feelings which help me to become a more attentive parent to myself. Warmth and gratitude to you x
This was very lovely to read. I haven't heard that expression before, that my Monday Top Tips offer you a sense of feeling resourced up. I love that. Thank you for saying that. And I do like the awareness you have of the needs of your own inner child. That's great awareness, and tough work as well.
Thanks so much for this very helpful article Julia. I found the part on the urge to resist offering advice unless asked for very pertinent as I often want to ‘fix’ a problem. I also found the part where you talk about accepting their decisions and trusting that ‘the values you’ve instilled will guide them and…support them whatever the outcomes’ very instructive as I can see that focusing on the values we have instilled in our adult children rather than the outcomes of the decisions would be a much more helpful way to accept decisions which will not always meet with our approval!
Oh I'm so happy that this resonated with you, and that passage of supporting their decisions really stuck. It's so hard, I know, to not fix a problem when you see a solution. I know. I do think, though, that in fixing problems, sometimes we cause more problems down the line, and in trusting our adult children to be able to fix the problem on their own, based on the values we've shared with them, that they'll be able to solve more problems on their own in the future, and not feel like they have to rely on someone else for the answers.
Many thanks Julia, it’s really good to have your thoughts on this. They make sense to me. As you say there is not a great deal written about relationships with adult children.
Very kind and useful.I am at the grandmother stage and have been for fourteen years,six grandchildren.I have learnt quite a bit.Through Covid and Brexit I have had to learn to use FaceTime etc quite creatively.Tinies like simple games and glove puppets,or using emoji characters at their level.
I always ,if I am honest,have a yearning to hear from and share things with my adult children.Somtimes it is hard even though I am very creative and enjoy making projects on my own.
On a screen it is very important to listen and stick to human kindness.It can be easy for both parties to misunderstand something.If I think this has happened I do message,and apologise briefly if necessary. Political lectures don’t go down well! Finding a gentle and kind way to say goodbye matters, and if a child is creating havoc in the background be aware,FaceTime may quickly end! Equally it can continue for well over an hour!
I am in France.Two of my adults are in Australia and two in England,and as rentals and trips are so costly,this proper use of media does matter if one wishes for future hugs in reality. I hope this adds to the kindness of this message from Julia.
I agree with you: political lectures don't go down well! And that's not just on FaceTime, either. I'm happy that you're finding a way to stay connected with your very international family, challenging though it may be.
As everyone here has said, this is very reassuring and offers a strong guideline to come back to in time of doubts. Having just said goodbye to my mother who died 2 weeks ago, the link between mother and daughters seem to have been brought to the fore - we have moved on a lot since my mother and I were adults when we refrained from sharing too much of our emotional life - complicated by my mother having been a survivor of war prisoner camps - and my daughters are much much more aware of my inner life. Which brings to mind the question of how much do we share?
So helpful to read this Julia, thank you - it felt very affirming in helping me to realise that, imperfectly as I might do it, I do actually do most of the things that you suggest here, particularly with my daughter who I am lucky to have living near by. Together with your Monday tips this morning I feel as though I have been resourced up. I’m also upping my recognition that feelings of abandonment and rejection that I can feel in relation to my children are sign posts to my own inner child feelings which help me to become a more attentive parent to myself. Warmth and gratitude to you x
This was very lovely to read. I haven't heard that expression before, that my Monday Top Tips offer you a sense of feeling resourced up. I love that. Thank you for saying that. And I do like the awareness you have of the needs of your own inner child. That's great awareness, and tough work as well.
Thanks so much for that Julia. It’s an article I’ll read several times, so helpful.
Thanks so much for this very helpful article Julia. I found the part on the urge to resist offering advice unless asked for very pertinent as I often want to ‘fix’ a problem. I also found the part where you talk about accepting their decisions and trusting that ‘the values you’ve instilled will guide them and…support them whatever the outcomes’ very instructive as I can see that focusing on the values we have instilled in our adult children rather than the outcomes of the decisions would be a much more helpful way to accept decisions which will not always meet with our approval!
Oh I'm so happy that this resonated with you, and that passage of supporting their decisions really stuck. It's so hard, I know, to not fix a problem when you see a solution. I know. I do think, though, that in fixing problems, sometimes we cause more problems down the line, and in trusting our adult children to be able to fix the problem on their own, based on the values we've shared with them, that they'll be able to solve more problems on their own in the future, and not feel like they have to rely on someone else for the answers.
Many thanks Julia, it’s really good to have your thoughts on this. They make sense to me. As you say there is not a great deal written about relationships with adult children.
Very kind and useful.I am at the grandmother stage and have been for fourteen years,six grandchildren.I have learnt quite a bit.Through Covid and Brexit I have had to learn to use FaceTime etc quite creatively.Tinies like simple games and glove puppets,or using emoji characters at their level.
I always ,if I am honest,have a yearning to hear from and share things with my adult children.Somtimes it is hard even though I am very creative and enjoy making projects on my own.
On a screen it is very important to listen and stick to human kindness.It can be easy for both parties to misunderstand something.If I think this has happened I do message,and apologise briefly if necessary. Political lectures don’t go down well! Finding a gentle and kind way to say goodbye matters, and if a child is creating havoc in the background be aware,FaceTime may quickly end! Equally it can continue for well over an hour!
I am in France.Two of my adults are in Australia and two in England,and as rentals and trips are so costly,this proper use of media does matter if one wishes for future hugs in reality. I hope this adds to the kindness of this message from Julia.
I agree with you: political lectures don't go down well! And that's not just on FaceTime, either. I'm happy that you're finding a way to stay connected with your very international family, challenging though it may be.
This is so good, thank you.
Always so insightful. We are now grandparents and that has enabled a new and enriching relationship with our eldest son.
As everyone here has said, this is very reassuring and offers a strong guideline to come back to in time of doubts. Having just said goodbye to my mother who died 2 weeks ago, the link between mother and daughters seem to have been brought to the fore - we have moved on a lot since my mother and I were adults when we refrained from sharing too much of our emotional life - complicated by my mother having been a survivor of war prisoner camps - and my daughters are much much more aware of my inner life. Which brings to mind the question of how much do we share?