For this week’s Top Tips, I spoke about the relationship people have with their therapists. There is an idea, understandably, that therapists are there to heal you, or to fix you. If you have an injury, you go to a doctor, and hopefully they can resolve that pain. I think the same expectations come when people start seeing a psychotherapist, with the idea that they are somehow injured, and the therapist is going to fix them, so they can resolve that pain as well. While going to a therapist can indeed be very therapeutic, To got to therapy with the goal of ‘being fixed’ in mind can get in the way. The path, instead of the goal, is one of building a relationship, where you can be seen and heard and felt, exactly where you are.
The Power of Compassion
In moments of profound suffering, when the weight of our emotions feels unbearable, it’s natural to want to feel better as quickly as possible. However, healing is not about forcing positivity or quickly get over our pain. Often, our culture pushes us to "move on" or "get better" as if these are signs of strength. Yet, true healing lies not in bypassing our feelings but in meeting ourselves with gentleness where we are.
That can be challenging to do on our own, especially if we haven’t been around others who have modelled accepting behaviour to us. Often, when we share what’s alive in us, or challenges that we face, well-meaning friends and family will tell us how to fix the situation, instead of being present with us. Connect with what we feel. This is where a therapist differs. It’s not about a rush to fix you, but about letting you feel a sense of compassion and understanding for what you’re experiencing.
Releasing the Pressure to Be ‘Better’
One of the most liberating realisations we can embrace is our emotions and growth don’t follow a straight line. Growth is unpredictable, and to expect ourselves to be constantly moving "upwards" can cause more harm than good. Sometimes we take two steps forward or one step back. That’s ok. Instead of despairing when we slip if we’re speeding towards our growth, by simply allowing ourselves to sit with our pain, we acknowledge the validity of our emotions, and stabilise ourselves for the steps ahead.
I’ve mentioned this before in Grief Works, that the process of grief and despair cannot be rushed. It is often misunderstood as something to be "overcome" quickly, but it’s an intricate journey that requires both patience and support. We don’t need to fix everything immediately. Too much haste can botch the job. Sometimes, the greatest relief comes from acknowledging that it's okay to not be okay right now.
Small Steps Toward Hope
While we can’t force ourselves to heal, we can take small steps to gently nurture ourselves. Here are a few ideas that can help support us when we are challenged:
Give Yourself Permission to Feel – Avoid rushing through the pain. Take time to honor your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. It's through fully feeling that we begin to release the tension built around them.
Practice Self-Compassion – When self-critical thoughts arise, try to reframe them. Instead of thinking, "I should be better by now," say to yourself, "It’s okay to feel this way. Healing takes time, and I’m doing my best."
Surround Yourself with Support – While others may not always understand the depth of our distress, it’s helpful to lean on friends, family, or professionals who can offer non-judgmental presence. The simple act of being heard is profoundly healing.
Focus on Small Acts of Care – Recovery from deep despair often happens in tiny moments. Whether it’s drinking a cup of tea or taking a short walk, these small gestures of self-care can ground us and remind us that we are worthy of love and attention.
Embrace Where You Are
We heal from a place of acceptance. We may not always feel ready to "get better," and that’s okay. We can honour where we are right now without judgment. Remember, it is not about perfection, but being kind to ourselves along the way.
Let’s continue this journey together—one step, one breath, one moment at a time.
With love and compassion,
Julia x
Thank you Julia, your Top Tip is so relevant to me today as I have just come back from my first therapy session six and a half years after my youngest son took his own life. I thought I had been doing more or less alright until fairly recently when I have found myself feeling more and more overwhelmed. What I most appreciated today, apart from being able to talk about everything, was her recognition of how much I have been struggling and what I have been doing to cope. That feeling of being really heard and seen actually made me break down in tears with sheer gratitude and relief. I also don't think that it's a coincidence that today would have been his birthday. I always like to think he's up there watching.
Beautifully put Julia 😊