An Intro to Relationship Anarchy

What's on the Menu Tonight?

One of the common themes I hear in my work is the struggle couples face when their relationship no longer fits the traditional mould they might have expected. For our last episode of Agony Aunties, someone shared their frustration in a sexless marriage, and was looking for advice. This kind of question touches on a deeper, more expansive idea about how we approach relationships: do they have to follow a specific, socially-prescribed path, or can they evolve in ways that better reflect our individual needs?  If they follow the socially-prescribed path, can we at least be clear about what that social prescription is?  As everyone has a different view of society, and different views of their roles in society, making this prescription crystal clear is a lot safer than having it in illegible doctor’s writing.

To get to this clarity, I think a useful tool is thinking about Relationship Anarchy. The concept, while it may sound radical to some - as “anarchy” usually comes heavy with images of fire and destruction - it invites us to question our assumptions about love, commitment, and intimacy. Relationship Anarchy offers a refreshing perspective that there isn’t one “right” way to structure a relationship. Instead, the people involved are empowered to co-create the relationship that works best for them, based on their clearly stated values, desires, and boundaries.

What is Relationship Anarchy?

Relationship Anarchy breaks free from the “escalator” model of relationships—that is, the idea that relationships must follow a set progression from dating to marriage, with increasing levels of exclusivity, control, and commitment. This model can feel suffocating for many, especially when a relationship no longer meets all of a couple’s emotional or physical needs. Instead, Relationship Anarchy encourages partners to explore and define their connections themselves, rather than conforming to societal norms. This could involve rethinking the importance of sexual exclusivity, emotional dependency, shared hobbies, or even financial interdependence.