Tools for Self-Forgiveness and Acceptance
How to Be Kind to Ourselves in the Face of Relentless Growth
I want to explore a topic that is profoundly important for our emotional well-being: Self-Forgiveness and Acceptance. These two concepts can seem at odds with modern society’s focus on relentless growth and development, the culture of grinding and pushing, and the desire for excellence. Growth and acceptance might seem like they can’t coexist. Self-forgiveness might seem like making excuses for a lack of progress. How can we reconcile both sides?
I would like to suggest that growth and development without self-forgiveness and acceptance can lead to a fragile future state. Growth without being fully oneself can lead to crisis, or a sense of fragility, one’s self built on shaky foundation. For our growth and development to be sustainable, I believe we need to be self-compassionate, in ways that can both accept ourselves as we are with a sense of appreciation of all that we have done, as well as the capacity for self-forgiveness when we inevitably make mistakes along the way.
Acknowledging Emotions
The first step towards self-forgiveness is to acknowledge and accept our emotions. Often, we push aside feelings of guilt, regret, or shame because they are uncomfortable or painful. However, suppressing these emotions can block us.
Recognise Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgement. Feelings refer to what is alive in us, how our bodies are responding. Judgements about others aren’t what I’m talking about here. Our bodies might feel tense and anxious, or low energy and sad, or afraid and tight in our throats. Or we can feel warm in our chests and joyous, or high energy and bouncy. These are the feelings I’m referrencing.
Reflect on the Source: Take time to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Understanding the root cause of your emotions can provide clarity and help you address underlying issues. Do you remember when you first felt like this? When do you tend to have this feeling? What films or TV shows displayed similar emotions that you might be influenced by? What messages from family or friends did you get when your body felt these emotions?
Practising Self-Compassion
We can often speak very harshly to ourselves, in ways that we wouldn’t imagine speaking with others. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. It's a crucial component of self-forgiveness and acceptance.
Be Kind to Yourself: When you make a mistake or feel regret, speak to yourself gently. Acknowledge the error. We all make mistakes, and speaking with judgement or shame at these moments isn’t going to help us avoid making mistakes in the future. Turn to yourself with kindness.
Mindfulness: Practise mindfulness to stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them. This can help you maintain perspective and reduce self-judgement. Simply allowing yourself more time between thought and action, with a few long and slow breaths, can soothe our nervous system, get us out of fight or flight, and prevent overwhelm.
Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your body and mind. Whether it's taking a walk in nature, practising yoga, or even taking a long and hot bath, self-care reinforces your worth and promotes healing.
Seeking Support
Forgiving oneself can be challenging, and it's often beneficial to seek support from others. Loved ones, friends, or professionals can provide the encouragement and the space needed to foster self-forgiveness and acceptance.
Talk to Trusted Loved Ones: Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can be incredibly healing. They can offer comfort, reassurance, and often some more context to the situation that you might not have considered.
Professional Help: Therapists and counsellors are trained to help individuals work through difficult emotions and experiences. Seeking professional help can provide you with tools and strategies tailored to your specific needs, especially in situations where friends and family might not have the ability to hold space for you.
Support Groups: Joining a support group with others who have similar experiences can offer a sense of community and understanding. You are not the first person to have your problems, nor will you be the last. Knowing that you are not alone in your journey can be a powerful motivator for healing, and connect you with a sense of shared humanity.
Embracing Self-Forgiveness
Embracing self-forgiveness means allowing yourself to let go of past mistakes, learning from them and recognising that you deserve compassion and understanding.
Acknowledge Your Humanity: Recognise that imperfection is a part of the human experience and does not diminish your worth, as it doesn’t diminish the worth of your friends and loved ones.
Learn and Grow: Use your experiences as opportunities for learning. Reflect on what you can learn from your mistakes and how you can apply this knowledge moving forward. Awareness of our patterns helps free us from these patterns.
While I know they’re easier said than done, self-forgiveness and acceptance are helpful for a healthy and fulfilling life, and the more we practise them, the easier they become. By acknowledging your emotions, practising self-compassion, and seeking support, you can cultivate a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Remember, forgiving yourself is not about forgetting the past but rather about embracing your humanity with humility and allowing yourself to move forward with kindness and understanding.
Love,
Julia x
So helpful. I was talking about this with a client only yesterday. I will pass this on to them. Thank you 🙏🏻
I really liked the image of the hand holding up the tree…not that I could have done anything about two ancient apple trees in our garden,but a little kindly support,if I can imagine myself as a tree for a moment,goes a long way…nice that we can be those supporting hands for one another from time to time.