I want to reflect on an important topic that's been on my mind from recent conversations with clients, and something I talked about for today’s Top Tips—the way we want to be able to curate and control the dying process of our loved ones. Understandably! When someone we love is dying, we want to be there, ensuring they feel comforted, pain-free, loved, and at peace. We imagine the setting, the words we’ll share, and how everything will unfold, believing it will offer closure for both them and us. Often these images are informed from the movies we’ve seen.
But the truth is, life rarely follows a script, especially in moments as profound as death. And sometimes, we can get stuck ruminating on how we hoped those final moments should have been, and then feel guilty when we can’t make it right.
The Importance of Connection Over Perfection
We obviously wish for a "good death"—one where everything happens as it “should”—but when this doesn’t happen, which is common, we feel guilty, regretful, and a failure. Instead of striving for perfection, I believe what matters most is the love and connection shared throughout the relationship. A life is defined by far more than its final moments, and the richness of memories, shared laughter, and even the difficulties you've worked through together form the true heart of your bond.
Rather than judging ourselves based on the circumstances of a loved one’s dying, we can honour the depth of that relationship. No single moment, no matter how significant, can encapsulate the love shared over a lifetime.
Accepting the Messiness of Grief
Grief is unpredictable and often overwhelming. It doesn’t follow an orderly path, and our emotions might surprise us. We might feel numb at first and then be overwhelmed by sudden waves of sorrow or anger. These emotions can surface weeks, months, or even years after the person we love has died. Rather than push those emotions aside or control them, allow them to be felt; which can be an important part of how we heal.
It’s also helpful to remember that there is no "right way" to grieve. We each navigate loss differently—some through tears, others through silence, some in the company of others, and some in solitude. What’s essential is to honour your unique way of processing these emotions without comparing it to what society or others expect.
Shifting Focus from the End to the Journey
Our lives are often goal oriented. Many of the things we do are a means to an end rather than an end in themselves. We focus on the results, and don’t savour the journey. I think this spills over into how we process death as well.
In a similar vein, we place too much emphasis on the final chapter of a life. What if we shifted our focus from the inevitable end to the journey that brought us to that point? Maybe, we can also think about their good life.
Their life story as well as their death story.
The most important moments aren’t confined to the last days or hours but are scattered throughout a lifetime of shared experiences, quiet moments, and acts of love. Those are the moments that will sustain us when our loved one is no longer physically present.
Often, the pressure to be “there” in a specific way at the time of death comes from a place of fear—fear of loss, fear of not having done enough, fear of how we will cope afterward. Yet, it’s not the final chapter that defines the relationship; it’s the long story that precedes it. As well as the pain we can celebrate that journey. It can help us find peace, even in the face of a difficult or unexpected end.
Finding New Ways to Say Goodbye
It’s also worth considering that "saying goodbye" doesn’t have to happen all at once, or even at the moment of death. Many people find that their relationship with a loved one continues to evolve after they’ve died. Whether through personal rituals, shared memories, or conversations in your mind or heart, there are countless ways to continue to express love and connection.
Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and the process of finding peace is ongoing.
In the aftermath of loss, we can create new ways of to remember our loved ones. These might be quiet moments spent with their favorite book, a walk in a place they loved, or continuing a tradition they started. These acts help to keep the essence of our loved ones alive within us and can be a source of ongoing comfort.
Leaning into Uncertainty with Courage
While we can’t control the circumstances of death, we do have control over how we care for ourselves during and after the experience.
Grief requires courage, not just to face the loss, but to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable, lost, or afraid. Be gentle with ourselves, accept that uncertainty is part of life, and reach out for support when needed, we can find ways to live with grief while we also move forward.
There is no handbook for how to grieve, just as there is no perfect plan for how to cope with loss. But with time, love, and compassion for ourselves, we can begin to heal. We find that the memories of our loved one don’t disappear; they live on in the small, everyday moments, reminding us of the depth of the bond we shared.
A Personal Reflection
How do you continue to remember those who’ve died? What small rituals or moments of connection help you stay close to their memory? I would love to hear how you navigate this process, as each of our journeys is unique, and sharing can bring us closer.
If you’re currently struggling with the loss of a loved one, I put together an app that I really think can help and offer support during this tough time. Do check it out.
Wishing you strength and grace as you move through this week.
Love,
Julia x