Reflecting on Our Reactions: Parenting Adult Children with Respect
Understanding the Role of Self-Awareness in Building Stronger Relationships
This week, Emily hosted a special edition of Therapy Works with child psychologist Sheila Redfern, whose insights into how we react to our children’s behaviour are both enlightening and deeply resonant.
I was inspired by your response to these articles about parenting adult children, and this episode resonated with many of those issues.
Sheila highlighted a crucial point that applies not only to parenting younger children but one that also applies to our relationships with our adult children: often, what we perceive as "misbehaviours” or troubling choices in our children are sometimes a reflection of our own anxieties and unresolved feelings. How we perceive the decisions our children make, is not always from a position of loving parents who want to guide their children and protect them from harm; it can also be v flavoured by our own projections and insecurities.
What can help in the moments where we want to guide our children the most would be for us to ask ourselves what we’re feeling: what our needs are—recognise how some of the messaging we grew up with might be getting in the way of us connecting with our children at a challenging time.
As parents, it’s natural to want the best for our children. We invest so much of ourselves in guiding them, teaching them, and hoping that they will make choices that lead to happiness and success based on the values we’ve modeled for them. But when our adult children make decisions that unsettle us, it’s important to take a healthy pause and reflect on what’s really going on inside us. Are we truly concerned about their well-being, or are we reacting from a place of fear, control, or unprocessed emotions?
Understanding the Source of Our Reactions
Sheila Redfern talks about the importance of being reflective as parents—especially when we feel a strong reaction to something our child has done. This applies as much to our adult children as it does to younger ones. In fact, it’s solid guidance for our relationships outside of parenthood as well. When we feel uncomfortable or upset by our children’s or someone else’s decisions, it’s a signal to look inward rather than outward.
Some things we can ask ourselves: What is it about their choice that unsettles me? Is it because it challenges my own values or because it triggers a fear that I haven’t fully addressed? Often, our reactions are less about their behaviour and more about what it brings up in us.
Recognising this is the first step towards a more mindful and respectful approach to parenting, and more secure connections with our children.
Respecting Their Autonomy
As our children grow into adulthood, they rightly expect to be treated with respect and the autonomy to make their own choices. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything they do, but it does mean accepting that it’s their life to live, not ours to control. If we find ourselves wanting to step in and change their course, it’s helpful to step back and consider why.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we know best because of our experiences. But the world is different now from when you were a teenager - vastly so - and our children are navigating this very rapidly changing world in their own ways. They’re clever. They can figure out some things on their own. By respecting their autonomy, even when it makes us uncomfortable, we honour their journey and trust that they have the tools they need to find their way.
Working Through Our Own Feelings
This process of reflection doesn’t mean suppressing our concerns or pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It’s about recognising that our discomfort is ours to manage, rather than theirs to resolve through behaving differently. When we take the time to understand our own emotions, we can approach our children from a place of support rather than control.
If you find that your child’s choices are causing you significant distress, it might be helpful to talk it through with someone you trust, or even a professional. This allows you to process your feelings in a way that doesn’t project them onto your child, maintaining the respect and trust that are so crucial in adult relationships.
Processing with “RAIN”
Here I’m reminded of the talk I had with Mimi Kwa, and how she used Tara Brach’s “RAIN” to process her emotions and desired responses. It’s a useful acronym to remember, and one that I like. First we Recognize that something is arising in us, some emotions are alive in us. “Ooh? Is that anxiety I’m feeling in the middle of my chest? Do I feel my breathing getting faster?” The next step is to Allow the feeling to be there. We don’t have to do anything right away to fix it. We can sit with it and take some breaths, just observing it, without the need to change it or stop it. Just to allow it.
Afterwards, we can Investigate what thoughts are arising in us with these feelings. What memories of similar situations do we have? Have we seen anything like this depicted in the movies we watched? Where did we see something like this before? And then, to connect this back to Sheila’s idea, we can ask if any of these ideas arising in us are flavoring how we’re interacting in this experience. Are we connected with our child, or are we connected with something uncomfortable within us?
Nurture is the last step. The investigation could have been challenging, and brought about some difficult memories. It’s time to nurture yourself. Put a hand on your chest and say something kind to yourself, thanking your body for signaling something important to you. Maybe have a cup of tea, or go for a walk outside. Anything to offer your body some kindness after the hard work of healthily processing something that was alive in you, and connecting with your child in a deeper way.
Fostering Mutual Respect
Ultimately, the goal is to foster relationships with our children that last a lifetime, relationships built on mutual respect and understanding.
By being aware of our own emotional responses, we can engage with our children in ways that support their growth rather, than stifle it. We can offer guidance and share our wisdom, but we must also be willing to step back and let them take the lead in their own lives.
Finally, thank you to those of you who have been leaving comments, and for sharing your thoughts here. I do appreciate the discussion here, and thank you for your part in this community.
Love,
Julia x
It is very touching to read study material from someone who puts thought and care into reaching out to families.So very useful and worth reading over more than once.